Friday, August 13, 2010

Why Your Team Won’t Finish in the Top 25

Preseason Polls are only guesses, so as a service to you, our loyal readers, we provide the reasons why your team will not finish in the Top 25:

1 Alabama

Los Angeles area native Greg McElroy discovers the other LA (Lower Alabama), where people keep asking him why he’s so “clean” and everyone has a relative known only as “the Bastard”. This will cause McElroy to have a Richie Tenenbaum level break down in the first quarter against Duke. He will proceed directly to New Port News, Virginia, rent a cabin on a transatlantic cargo ship, and spend the rest of his days at sea.

2 Ohio State

Terrell Pryor did turn the corner last year, only it’s his fourth right in a row and he’ll end up right in front of the full size replica of the Santa Maria at 4am with a suspended license (quickly becoming to college football what dirty dishes have been to domestic disturbances for years: a small thing that simply blows up) and four Columbus City Police Officers.

4 Texas

Health care reform cripples the country, turning it into a poorer version of Guatemala. Texas reverse revolts from (er to?) Mexico, highlighted by a heroic but hopeless stand at a Motel Six on the Sam Houston Expressway.

5 Boise State

Quarterback Kellen Moore blows out knee when he steps on a dead duck which died when it mistook the blue turf for water. Freaks.

6 Virginia Poly

Its preordained, you will be sixth at the end of the year.


We are all just sick of you, go away. Seriously, we only pretended like we liked you because your Mom is hot.

8 Oklahoma

Oklahoma given back to Native Americans, and becomes a satellite state of Mexico(see #4, Texas). Football will return only briefly when the people revolt and take control of the Oklahoma State Capitol for 17 beautiful days in October before the Mexicans send in tanks and wipe them all out.

9 Nebraska

Team is demoralized when Missouri tells them the only reason they were invited to join the Big Ten is because the cool kids are planning to trick the Huskers into making out with a pig by telling them Ohio State is waiting for them in the closet for "Seven Minutes in Heaven". The upside is this will endear them to Iowa, who understands the love that cannot be spoken.

10 Iowa

True, the Hawkeye’s beat up Georgia Tech in the Orange Bowl, but they also struggled to beat Arkansas-Pine Bluff, and Ricky Stanzi has a certain Jevan Snead"ish" look to him.

11 Oregon

Nike uniforms made in China with lead based dyes. Practice during second half of season replaced by never ending tea party.

12 Wisconsin

The Crystini – one part Vodka to one part Gin. Last one standing gets to make dinner.

13 Miami

We saw last year after the ‘Canes early season success over an FSU team that played no defense, an Oklahoma team without Sam Bradford, and a Georgia Tech team that played no defense, that the media is just dying to vote for Miami. Suspect similar effect in effect.

14 Penn State

Joe Pa is old; hires Chuck Amato to ruin team. We used a semi colon.

15 Pittsburgh

Pitt realizes “Panthers” is a stupid nick name, changes it to Lil’ Steelers and is chased out of town by angry mob.

16 LSU

LSU is trapped in a “Larry Coker”- I.E. assistant takes over for great coach, wins for the next few years with his predecessor’s talent, but on the field performance slowly slips and the next thing you know the entire program is in the crapper and swinging helmets at FIU players. Or was that Florida Atlantic? Doesn't matter.

17 Georgia Tech

If anything Tech is underrated. I also think that the government must stop spending money on worthless programs that do not benefit me. All programs that benefit me are necessary to the country's well being. Suck it Farm Subsidies!

18 North Carolina


19 Arkansas

You are this year's Ole Miss; or maybe that's North Carolina. In any event, one of you will drop 11 spots, and right out of the top 25. Which ever way it happens, everyone needs to remember we were right.

20 Florida State

Christian Ponder misses first month of the season do to performing in traveling show of HMS Pinafore which was held over in Toledo, Ohio for four more weeks do to popular demand. He then gives up football to star in remake of "The Dead Poet's Society" starring Jim Carrey (the extra r is for respect).

21 Georgia

You are perennially overrated. This is a completely objective assessment. We would say the same thing if we were Gator fans. Honest.

22 Oregon State

Burn book destroys team chemistry when James Rodgers writes brother Jacquizz Rodgers' name under the heading “People Who Think They are So Cool”

23 Auburn

Hepatitis C break-out traced back to night they all got lower back tattoos. You know what we're talking about, don't you.

24 Utah

Honorary position

25 West Virginia

Mountain Mama, mark our words – mountain – friggin - mama

P.S. the proceeding was suppose to be a serious article, but that was hard, and the results were boring.


  1. Frank,
    As usual, inspired work. The whole Texas-Oklahoma-Mexico thing has a vague Red Dawn feel to it which appeals greatly to me. But shouting "Wolverines" just won't do. They'll combine Longhorns & Sooners & simply scream "Looners" as they launch RPG's at Mexican taco trucks.


  2. This sounds like you and spencer hall got high and then wrote down the first thing that came to your heads. funny how that's a compliment.....