Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Good News for ACC Fans

Via Dr. Saturday, Joe McKnight may join the list of USC players ineligible for the Ego-maniacal Normans Bowl against Boston College. It seems Mr. McKnight was left behind in Los Angeles to finish up some paper work related to a brand new SUV he's been driving around town.

In defending why his name was on the car's registration, Local business man Scott Schenter (In LA that could mean so many things, but it probably involves excommunicated Mormon girls) truly stretches the concept of plausible deniablity to its head exploding limits.

Schenter's points

Thanks a bunch, now I have to tell my wife about all those cars I bought for all those women. Jerks.

I'm rich and powerful, I can afford to fly to South Africa and conduct huge business deals, deals I need to market, but I'll be damned if I'll take the time and thirty cents a minute to check my e-mail. If you want to contact me, send a telegram like a responsible news organization. I also don't give a damn if anything I say is true. You're to dumb to go through your Outlook sent box to reconstruct the time line.
Do you have unwanted nuclear waste? If so read on.

And screw you for what you did to Washington!

I have an ankle tattoo because a girl made me do it. You butch bunch of rough trade!

Smart Bullets Inc. has a patent to turn nuclear wastes into valuable metals, eliminating nuclear wastes and actually turning it into usable materials. Act now!

Do you know who my Father is!

I own lots of things. Things like 4joemcknight.com. I thought it was funny, but I forgot I owned it because I own so many things.
Please stop reporting on my personal life, particularly in areas that may
a) cause problems with my wife, or
b) involve possible NCAA violations, but
c) feel free to publish all you'd like on the amazing waste disposal systems provided by Smart Bullet, Inc.
Follow this one closely
a) I bought the car for...
b) Johanna Michell Beltran...
c) A family friend an employee(read ex-Mormon) who is...
d) Joe McKnight's girlfriend, because...
e) her parents couldn't get a loan...
f) being the kind "uncle" I am, I secured the car loan, but...
g) My employee and single mother makes the $500 a month payment,
h) and $500 a month is a very small amount. Seriously, that's way less than her share of the rent. That must run her $550, $575 a month.

In summation, I pay my employee, so she can pay for a car, which her boy friend can then drive around town. Totally harmless.
You have a truly staggering intellect Mr. Schenter, almost unbelievable. Almost like it was fake. In any event the Barrel has one thing to say to all of this. Go Eagles! Go for the ACC!


  1. This sir, is true investigative journalism. Are we eligible for a Pulitzer?

  2. USC also sports Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis as an alumnus. Hey wait....maybe this guy is Joe Francis. In disguise????

  3. Speaking of Joe Francis, the Leland Stanford Junior University Marching Band did a salute to Mr. Francis this season at the USC-Stanford game.